Tag Archive for: Emma Dunn

Emma treats those with anxiety, using a variety of techniques including mindfulness and grounding.

How can I support someone with anxiety?

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Emma treats those with anxiety, using a variety of techniques including mindfulness and grounding.

Why is it difficult to support someone with anxiety ?

If you have not experienced the debilitating effect of anxiety, it can be very difficult to offer empathy or understanding to someone who has. I have written this blog to help you understand how to empathise and support a loved one with anxiety.

Some people struggle to understand anxiety and how it can be so crippling. A few individuals are dismissive of anxiety and minimalize it. This attitude is not helpful because it undermines the impact of poor mental health on society. This also implies someone suffering anxiety is somehow responsible or inadequate for not being able to manage the complexities of their experience.

An ‘anxiety attack’ is not something we can stop using rational discussion. Anxiety is a response triggered in the brain which interpretates information it receives externally and internally. Once our nervous system has been activated a cascade of physiological changes occur or are primed for action. Telling someone to stop this cascade is like asking someone to decrease their heart rate when they start to exercise. Offering support to someone with anxiety is more about being with them rather than talking at them.

The information that triggers the anxiety response comes from many sources. How individuals might interpret that information is based on genetics, up-bringing, social positioning, past experience, awareness, and education. If you have not been in that person’s shoes you are not in a position to judge their anxiety.

A simple guide to anxiety

  • Anxiety is a response to danger (real, perceived or imaginary)
  • An individual cannot stop being anxious because you tell them to
  • Anxiety may be irrational
  • Anxiety can start slowly or quickly
  • Anxiety is a physiological response, the further it has progressed the less easy it is to modify
  • Someone whose anxiety builds slowly can be helped to prevent it escalating.
  • Anxiety is often a result of a pattern of sustained thoughts and actions that have occurred over years
  • Long term treatment addresses the habitual process that has caused the anxiety
  • A panic attack is an extreme form of anxiety

If you want to read a little more about anxiety visit Thoughts and Anxiety -Using Psychotherapy and Mindfulness to alleviate fretful thinking

How to support someone with anxiety

  • When they are very anxious or panicking-
    • Keep calm. Calmness is contagious, this is recognised when a baby is immediately calmed by the soothing voice of their mother. If you can get grounded and your breathing and heart rate is stable this confers calmness to others
    • Draw their attention, not necessarily just words but eye contact and if appropriate hand holding.
    • Encourage them to look at you
    • Consciously slow your breath and invite them to slow their breathe with yours.
    • Talk slowly and with purpose
    • Continue to encourage eye contact.
    • Suggest they place their feet firmly on the ground
    • To bring them back to the reality of the present moment encourage them to pay attention to things they can sense, ask them what colour clothing you have, or whether they can feel the ground, or air on their face.
    • You will begin to see their posture relax and them becoming calmer, this is when you can talk. Start with reassurance, ‘you are safe’, ‘I’m here’ ‘do you need anything?’
    • Only when they are back in a safe environment and recognise what happened can you ask them about what they were anxious about.
  • When they are generally anxious (and tearful)

Those suffering Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) may have varying degrees of anxiety most of the time. Here are some ideas for you to try when they are at their low point.

    • If you know what makes your loved one happy and relaxed try to encourage them to do these things.
    • Gentle, regular and frequent encouragement is important.
    • It can be disheartening for your attempts to engage to be constantly turned down, but don’t give up.
    • Those with GAD can be anxious in large groups, or busy settings. Be prepared to invite yourself in for a coffee, or take them for a short walk.
    • Build on these activities. If you have a friendship group or close relatives you might want to set up a support hub where each takes a responsibility  for a daily connection with your loved one.
    • Someone with GAD gets safety and stability from knowing friends and family are consistent and reliable. Don’t over promise.
  • How does employment help someone with anxiety?
    •  Work can be a cause of stress but it can also provide a normal and familiar environment which is calming for the nervous system.
    • Generally some time off work after a long period of anxiety will help your loved one recover.
    • Mental exhaustion may not be very visible but your loved one may show symptoms of not being able to concentrate, or make decisions, feeling tired but not able to sleep, being edgy but not able to settle to do something.
    • Someone at work with mental exhaustion can feel very inadequate, unfulfilled, disillusioned and have steadily decreasing self belief. All these will make anxiety worse and potentially turn to depression.
    • If you suspect work is part of the problem discuss this with them.
    • Accepting the impact of GAD on life choices is hard, but small changes such as reduced working hours, change of locality, change in job role can be really beneficial. Try talking this through with them.
  • How to help your loved one manage their Generalized Anxiety Disorder

GAD as with most anxiety, can be well manged, I find people can return to a life with normal levels of anxiety with psychotherapy and/or appropriate medication, however in times of difficulty it can return.

Counselling and psychotherapy can help by providing a safe space to understand anxiety at a physiological level and an experiential level. A good therapist will enable a person with anxiety to understand when their thoughts and beliefs contribute to anxiety and help them to have a different relationship to thoughts. You might be able to do this too, but because there is an emotional attachment between you and your loved one it can be a lot harder and create frustration and animosity which is then counterproductive.

Hints-

 

 

    • Encourage your loved one to seek outside support Counselling for anxiety.
    •  Have your own support network away from your loved one. It can be hard to continually be supportive and patient.
    • Learn to recognise what is a thought and what is reality. This is important to enable you to stop engaging with their anxious thoughts.
    • Do some research to help understand more about anxiety.
    • Healing from anxiety involves changing neuropathways in the brain, it therefore can take time. The longer the anxiety has been going on the longer the healing.
    • To repeat myself, being calm during a crisis is one of the most helpful things you can be. Calmness is contagious.

In summary

Anxiety can happen to anyone, some people, possibly due to their experiences, genetics and their childhood are more likely than others to suffer.

Anxiety is the body’s way of saying ‘I sense danger and I need to be ultra-vigilant’.

Feelings of anxiety may not be justified, as there is no danger, but an anxious person cannot always hear that truth, so it is not helpful to repeat ‘Don’t worry everything is fine’.

If you can be calm, patient, consistent, reliable and show empathy you are giving them safety to experience their environment as safe too.

Resources

Book Review: A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled by Ruby Wax

Thoughts and Anxiety -Using Psychotherapy and Mindfulness to alleviate fretful thinking

Counselling can be for anyone.

Relationships- Is Mine Normal?

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Relationships-Is mine normal?

This blog is for anyone wanting to touch base with their relationship. I aim to cover some data on relationships. To identify common problems that can occur in even the most fairy-tale union and to provide a reality check about sex in relationships. In doing this I hope to provide a little nudge to nourish and sustain your own partnership.

A little bit about me

As well as writing from a theoretical perspective I have personal experiences of the ups and downs of relationships. I am a trained couple therapist, and also have had my share of relationships long term, medium term and short term. I recognise, generally, if relationships are not nurtured or attended to, they fail. This is not through intent but because of lack of foresight, experience, time, skills, desire, fear (and occasionally self interest- as manifest in abusive relationships).

Why write a blog ?- ‘Sharing is caring’

As a species we are tribal, we like to belong to a group, we feel safe when we share characteristics of group members. This is also true for our relationships. But couples tend to only present the good side of their relationship so we don’t often experience the reassurance that our relationship is actually quite similar to everyone else’s.

Kirsten Neff, who writes on Self Compassion, describes one of the elements of compassion as ‘common humanity’. The  two others are kindness and mindfulness. When we recognise we are similar to others it can be  reassuring: ‘this is ok’. Neff calls this ‘common humanity’. Conversely, when we feel different we might want to withdraw, feeling something is wrong with us; that we are different. This can be similar in relationships.

If as a couple you feel you are not doing very well it can be reassuring to know that many of the negative experiences in relationships are had by most couples. They are caused by similar things, very often our attachment history, or  miscommunication. By writing about some of the things that are often ‘behind closed door’ I hope to reassure you that your relationship is normal, and to empower you to make positive changes.  These can both nourish you, your partner and your relationship.

Quite Interesting

2021 ONS data

  • 57.8% of adults over 16 years are living as a couple
  • Of these 75.7% in a marriage or registered civil partnership.
  • Since the last 2021 census there is a trend for more cohabitation and fewer civil arrangement

What are relationships like?

I suspect those in good relationship, feeling happy, and fulfilled are not reading this. This is what relationships can be like ‘happy and fulfilled’

Many factors impact on how likely we are to have a totally fulfilling relationship. Examples include our own ‘attachment blueprint’; how, as a child we experienced love, giving and receiving love and conditions that might be attached to love.

 

In 2021 (Meyer and Sledge) identified some of the main areas of conflict in relationships. Unsurprisingly these included-communication, personal habits, household chores, finances, parenting, decision making, quality time together, sex, screen time, role expectations, time management and finally, ‘the in-laws’.

 

Some of these we have less ability to influence than others. Individuals can take personal responsibility for strategies to manage emotions arising from things they cannot change. If your partner bites their nails, the control is with you to manage the feelings that arise. If you expect them to change ‘because they love you’ there is a big risk of failure, muddled with an irrational belief your partner doesn’t love you because they haven’t stopped biting their nails! It can be these tiny things that fester and grow and may cause a disproportionate level of annoyance towards a partner.

Very few relationships are perfect all the time. Below I have tried to enable you to see your relationship with some clarity and hope. It is likely that most of your difficulties are common amongst many couples. I first address the question of sex, how often ‘should’ we have it (it varies!)

How much sex should we be having?

  •  From International Society of Sexual Medicine

    • This society would suggest there is no normal frequency for sexual intimacy in a relationship providing everyone in the relationship is happy.

  • Research from USA

    • 50-57% heterosexuals men and women engage in weekly sexual activity (18-44 year olds over 18 year period)
    • 1.3 % no sexual activity
    • 5.2 % once or twice a year (data 2016-2018)
    • 32% 1-3 times a month
    • 57% weekly

  • 2022 Post Pandemic

    • In the UK during the pandemic  married people had a more active sex life which has continued post lockdown

  • The Good enough Sex Model

Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy 2010 described 5 recognisable purposes for sex in a relationship. These are pleasure, intimacy, reproduction, stress reduction, self esteem. Metz and McCarthy in their Good Enough Model encouraged a moving away from the aspirational ‘perfect’ sexual experience, where the fear of failure could easily result in being turned off sex, or not being able to ‘perform’.

They spoke of pleasure, for pleasures sake being a good enough reason for sex, so often the pressure of procreation or orgasm can detract from the overall pleasure of the complete experience.

    • Talk to each other!

I would also encourage talking about beliefs and attitudes around sex and intimacy. It might be through talking that you realise your ability to enjoy sex is stifled by preconceptions, different moral values, false beliefs. One of you might feel shame or guilt about certain aspects of sex, masturbation, use of ‘sex toys’ or anal sex for example, whilst the other has no inhibitions. This can create unacknowledged emotions around feeling pressurized, feeling needs not met, feeling anxious, rejection which you might blame your partner for.

As an exercise you could write down all the perceptions or beliefs you and your partner know of, or have, about one aspect of your sexual relationship that causes difficulties, and have a discussion about them. The discussion can be very helpful both in connecting to each other but also providing a neutral, non judgmental space to talk about a difficult subject.

Finally using different ways to achieve arousal can provide inspiration and flexibility. Arousal can be achieved through contact and intimacy with your partner, intimacy, self arousal through masturbation and through creative, imaginative role enactment. It does not have to end in orgasm.

Summary

Sex plays an important part in a relationship. It is also is a source of problems-insecurity, shame, different needs and expectations. Talking about sex, even to your partner may be difficult. However, the majority of these issues can be resolved by beginning a conversation and recognising your differences as well as your similarities.

Remember sex can be for-pleasure, self esteem, connection, procreation and stress relief. Enjoy.

Ways to enhance your relationship

  • Communication

Many of us believe we communicate well, we are able to express ourselves, or we purposefully put aside time to talk to our partner. Communication is 2-way. How many of us can say we listen to our partner, not to respond, not with thoughts in our head about a counter argument, but to deeply hear and attend to the meaning and emotion of what they are sharing.

To recognise that what they say is as important to them, as what you say is as important to you.

If you would like to improve your communication a short exercise to do with your partner can be found here.

  • Acknowledging Problems

There are problems in a relationship that will not go away. It can be useful to  acknowledge these and recognise that they impact on your relationship, but they do not mean the relationship is bad, failing or threatened. One of you may have an important relationship with an individual your partner does not like. Each of you are entitled to have these feelings, but it is not helpful to try and change the others mind. The problem is how to allow this person to be part of your ‘relationship’ without causing disruption.

Problems may manifest when there is a change in circumstances, for example illness or redundancy. The change can impact on the relationship and on each partner differently. Being able to talk about this without blame can be hard but very rewarding.

Some problems, when faced honestly may result in the ending of a relationship. The choice to have children or not, for example. This can be one of the most courageous things to do, ending a relationship that is working but you both want different things and therefore unsustainable in the long term.

  • Feeding the relationship

    • Spending quality time together-The ability to do this can vary depending on your circumstances. It is hard with young children, yet just as important. Many relationships fail because ‘we just grew apart when the children came along’. Having a date night is a popular concept. If you can find another couple with children offering to babysit in turns. Or choosing something you both want to watch on TV and both committing to watching it together, no popping off to do something else. Having a joint hobby, maybe something to try, even better if you want to both learn from scratch.
    • Supporting each other-relationships work best when attachment feels secure and unconditional. When making decisions it should be your partner who you seek support/encouragement from, not your friend or parent, they are secondary. Being there for your partner when they are tired, stressed, ill, angry, confused, anxious, sad; NOT needing to fix it, being alongside, understanding and compassionate. This may mean putting your own ‘stuff’ to one-side for a short period of time.
    • Collaboration-you are in this together. Having an intention that focuses on what is best for your relationship rather than what is in it for me. Collaboration and consistency supports a healthy environment for growing children.
    • Looking after your mental and physical health. Supporting and facilitating your partner to do the things they enjoy. Noticing when your partner is not able to do these and encouraging them.

  • Recognising Differences

Differences may be obvious, your sex, ethnicity, religion, less obvious include social class, politics, beliefs, even less obvious but equally significant include character traits, for example tidy, common sense, playful, hard working. Because of these differences you and your partner may have different ways of viewing the world and your experiences. Neither of you is right or wrong but it is extremely useful to explore each other’s view of the world to understand why attitudes and behaviours may appear to you to be completely weird. This level of understanding can ease frustrations and misunderstandings. Differences that might arise from your upbringing such as the importance given to ‘good manners’ or the attention given to days such as Fathers Day or Valentine’s day can be useful to explore, but more relevant is the awareness that these differences exist and may need to be negotiated.

Finally-The Negative Cycle

This is one of the most common reasons couples attend therapy. If you and your partner find yourselves acting out in similar ways after most disagreements you are likely to be caught up in ‘your negative cycle’

A simplistic description might be;

A   ‘Why didn’t you ….’

B   ‘ sorry, I forgot’

A   ‘ How could you forget..’

B   ‘ I can’t help forgetting’

A   ‘ But I told you …’

B   ‘I can’t cope when you are like this’ B takes themselves out of the room to end the argument

A    Following B ‘You can’t just leave it like this I need to know what you  expect me to do’

B   Silence.

A   Shouting/crying/stamping

This pattern of behaviour often originates in childhood, or other past intimate relationships NOT what is happening there and then. This is why it can be difficult to change without a third person to help interpret the deeper emotions that are going on in the interaction.

  • Interpretation

A- A is likely to feel let down.  They might describe feelings of not being important enough, or not valued, even unloved, irrelevant ‘invisible’. A defence of anger is the response. A is making themselves visible, important to get the attention that they feel they deserve.

B-B possible feels a failure, they have not done what was asked, emotions of inadequacy, shame, guilt may arise so they want to disappear because they possibly feel undeserving or not good enough.

A- The act of B moving away reinforces the idea for A that they are not important

B- as A continues to challenge their forgetfulness, B feels further shame. B might at this point become very defensive and shout back, or even remove themselves from the house

A- might at this point become completely confused as to B’s dramatic behaviour, after all B was in the wrong!

A and B are now feeling their relationship is on the line.

Does this feel familiar?

  • Learning from the negative cycle

The emotions that arise in a ‘negative cycle’ are from past attachment history and not from what is happening in the here and now. It takes time and self awareness to move away from habitual attachment behaviours.

A and B might have managed this differently

A   ‘Why didn’t you ….’  becomes ‘ I notice you have forgotten something and I feel as if I am not important to you’ (offering a solution ‘we can manage for the time being, its OK’)

B   ‘ sorry, I forgot’   becomes ‘ You are important to me, I hate forgetting things it makes me feel a failure, ( and also able to offer a solution- can we do anything now to remedy the situation? ‘)

NOTE- Both parties are able to acknowledge and say out loud what they are feeling. They do not react to their emotions. This also opens opportunity for the couple to show empathy and care for the other as they struggle with powerful emotions.

My Summary

When we commit to a long term relationship we do not to know what the journey will entail. It will reveal aspects of ourselves we didn’t know existed and things that might have been endearing become annoying. There will be unexpected bumps and disappointments, as well as joyful times. Manging the rough with the smooth as a team helps.

As with long term projects continue to review, modify and reflect, life and people are dynamic, we change. Be mindful of your love and intention. Be honest.

If you want further support in your relationship couple therapy is available.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Stress-How to change your mindset using Mindfulness

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Christmas Stress – How to change your mindset at Christmas

Christmas and Mindfulness
Anyone hosting Christmas will be aware of all the jobs that need to be done, the presents and party clothes to buy, food to be ordered, the list can go on. For those having Christmas alone, or if this year is the first without a loved one, the festivities provide a complex set of emotions which can be difficult to bare.

It may be that you have a silent dread of Christmas. However, Christmas is going to happen.

What follows are a few ideas about how changing your mindset may help.

Many of the reasons why stress builds up prior to Christmas is to do with thoughts and behaviours, habits and expectations.

For example;

  1. The emphasis placed on family traditions
  2. You may be concerned about how much work needs to be done to make the day successful
  3. Present buying; how much to spend, what to buy
  4. The day being a reminder of those we have lost

You may be able to relate to these. Mindfulness encourages a different approach and awareness to the meanings we give to things such as traditions and expectations.

Mindfulness allows us to treat the current moment as all there is.  It helps us see how much meaning we attach to the past at the expense of the present.

  1. The emphasis placed on family traditions

It can be difficult to change habits, certainly if we frame them as ‘family traditions’. I wonder if when your ‘family tradition’ happened for the first time the intention was for it to go on past its sell by date?

Interestingly we are aware in other circumstances, such as holidays, that when we try to repeat the experience it causes greater disappointment. Can this be applied to Christmas?

Traditions may include when to put the decorations up, real tree or artificial, Christmas day menu, the family members invited, the timing of present opening, television and what film to watch.

Before planning gets well under way why not ask yourself and your family, whether  these traditions important and why. Do they create a good experience?

You may find you can drop one or two and everyone has a sense of relief.

  1. The concern about how much work needs to be done for the day to be successful

There is as much work as you want. Is it true that the more work you put in, the happier everyone is? Or is this about you, and how others might perceive you?

Thoughts can creep into our head and be believed. At Christmas there might be a little bit more organising and planning but it happens every year and we do it every year. It is often worth noticing the thoughts we have, and reminding ourselves they are thoughts. There might be the thought, ‘I won’t get it done in time’ or ‘what if the turkey is under cooked ?’ Notice what happens to your stress levels when you have these thoughts. Are they appropriate, what is the worst that can happen? Thoughts are not facts, mindfulness enables us to notice a thought and not react to it.

Take a mindful moment. Take a deep in-breath and a slower out breath, counting to five. Repeat once or twice more.

  1. Present buying; how much to spend, what to buy

Why are you buying presents, who for and at what cost?

Present buying is a reflection of who you are and your relationship with the recipient, as well as your personal beliefs about Christmas.

There are many ways in which we get distracted from this, especially adverts and consumerism and ‘family traditions’. The shops become full of ‘gift ideas’. Spend a little time reflecting on why you want to give as a gift. There is some truth in the statement ‘it is the thought that counts’. A mindful approach focuses your mind on the reality of Christmas, encourages you to stick to intentions meaning it is less likely you buy things spontaneously.

You may also reflect on what does receiving a gift mean to you, and is this truth based on reality. A common belief is that a person close to you will instinctively know what you want. Unfortunately, life isn’t this simple, either tell them or be prepared for anything. People are not mind readers.

  1. The day is a reminder of those we have lost

Anniversaries are reminders. Allowing a time in the day to acknowledge absent friends and family can be useful. You and other friends and family also represent a little of that missing person, a shared joke, or shared gene, this too can be honoured. They have not gone completely.

Mindfulness encourages us to stay in the here and now, it is this moment that is important, comparisons often bring dissatisfaction. Each Christmas will be different, enjoying it for what it is can be more rewarding than not liking it for what it isn’t.

Mindfulness at Christmas

Mindfulness involves a regular commitment to paying attention to the present moment. Christmas often draws us into the past, the past has gone, enjoy the ‘now’ as this too will soon be gone.

You might be interested in

Thoughts and Anxiety-Using psychotherapy to alleviate stress

Mindfulness meditation for novices-Part 3

If Christmas does provide a challenge getting some counselling support may just help build up resilience.